if you really want to know....

Growing up I thought my prayers were never answered for I lived in a hell hole of abuse and I cried so much and prayed to be taken away to someplace happy where people can love me. I prayed to Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva, Ngài Quan The Am. But I lost faith, I eventually went from home to home. Completely, depressed and suicidal in school that's why I was never there and all of magnet school faculty knew it. Eventually, getting to college I was so completely lost all I did was party and with my previous mental state I eventually got psychotic and diagnosed with schizophrenia. So, I took a leave of absence from school beginning of Spring 2009 thinking I would never return. My doctors told me I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life. I was too stubborn to want that since anti-psychotics only made me feel crappy and they tried anti-depressants to balance me out but it only made my head more messed up. Then my mom opened the door of meditation to me. And showed me something I once forgotten. And, slowly, as weeks progressed my symptoms went away and I was happy once again. I decided 5 mths ago to quit my medication and therapy and have been off it since for I have found meditation. The doctors thought my state of sanity was temporary but they are wrong. And through the door my mom showed me, I entered the school of secret buddhism, mat tong. And after I moved back to college, I realized how lucky I was to be back and how in this universe so many things were way beyond my control. I found faith once again in the divine. And once that happened, I awoken with this dream through the help of adhistana. For I know now, they have been listening to me all along for i heard her tell me, they have been crying with me all along for i felt her too, they have always been with me for she has shown me. And, after I awoke, I spent 5 minutes sobbing the greatest amount of pain and suffering I have ever felt in my life. For I finally realized what suffering was and truly felt the pain of each and every single beings sufferings in my heart. That is why I love you all, that is why I am doing what I am doing. For the longest time I have been living life only for myself and lost my way so badly that I realized I have forgotten my true self. I have begun to find that once again and coming to understand the knowledge of this universe that lives inside as waiting for us to call on it. That is my story of how I learned how to have faith, discovered, understand, and becoming one nature with it.

The day that I decided to first voice my opinion was the day it started to rain here where I live and the clouds thundered and roared with such greatness as I took each step slowly and contently in my belief. I appreciate all that the divinities have to teach and offer me in my quest. I am a disciple of the dharma, and the world my teacher. my path is long. my journey is tough. my heart has made its mind. for i want to change this world, to save this world. so i must become the mirror, the image, the teacher, the Buddha of this age and lifetime for the sake of this world. This is my vow. If I cannot complete this task, may I never attain enlightenment until every being has become Buddha before me. I am 19 years old.